Lately, my left eye is slowing me down. I think it’s time for another eye check up. But I want to have it done by next month. This month I am saving up for my brother’s final tuition fee installment. I should have had lasik surgery when I had the money two years ago. I was just scared to undergo a procedure like that. Too bad. I should have went ahead with it.
Oh well, there really are more and more reasons why I haven’t been reading lately. Bad eye. Too many pending things to do. And just a tad too lazy to do some reading…
When I was around 6 or 7, my mom had me attend piano lessons at my cousins’ house. We had this really strict teacher who would bring with her a wood ruler to tap our hands with should we commit mistakes. The taps brought with it hurt and shame. Instead of making me want to learn more, it brought tears to my eyes and made me want to quit.
I remember one day, I had one too many taps on my hands. The red welts on my hands were more than enough for me to quit. And I did. I went home crying. I told my mom that I didn’t want to go back anymore. I knew she was disappointed.
Looking back, I realized that I would have went back should my mom insisted on it. But since she didn’t, there was no reason for me to go back anymore. My mom’s my inspiration. It would have been great had I learned to play the piano. I took me a year, I think, before I quit. When I look back in my life, I realize that it was the start of the many instances that I have quit because of the fear of committing more mistakes. But what if had I not quit the piano lessons I would have succeeded and become a great pianist? I would never know now. Much the same that I would never know what might have happened to me had I not quit one time too many…
I want to go on a road trip but I can’t do it right now. I am saving up to buy two new laptops. I am also depositing money for my grandma’s expenses. I don’t know where to get funds should there be an emergency regarding my grandma and I want to be prepared for it. She is already bedridden and has diabetes. I don’t know when I might need the funds. It is better to be prepared than to find myself worrying so much about it.
I want to do so many things this summer but there are just too many things to prioritize. This is the life of a breadwinner, ladies and gentlemen.
Don’t walk in front of me, I may not follow.
Don’t walk behind me, I may not lead.
Just walk beside me and be my friend.
- Albert Camus
There are times when I ask myself if I chose the right people to be around me. I was stuck with my pre-conceived notion of who to befriend that I think I missed out on some of the really good people around. I talked to some people in high school and I realized they could have been my friends had I not become a big bully in school. Or I probably should not have limited myself to only a two groups of women in college. I could have been friends with my other classmates/batchmates.
Regrets. There’s just too much in me that surfaces from time to time.
There are days when I feel like raising the white flag already. I am also human. I get all riled up and exhausted from too much worries. And then for some drama to be acted out at home…
I never liked being the parent, when I should have been the child. I hate always being the older sister. I also want to be me sometimes. I don’t want to be the understanding and patient one all the time.
I just want peace and harmony at home. That’s it.
When God closes a door, He opens a window.
It proved to be true for me.
Thank you, God!